Ceann Eachrois, Co. Sligeach, Lúnasa 2020.
“Is iomaí cor sa tsaol”
Seanfhocal.
Dia daoibh a chairde, agus fáilte ar ais.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, motivation and inspiration are something I often struggle with, but I guess this is a sign of that improving. The past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster for me, as I’m sure is the case for countless others. This pandemic has certainly taken a mental toll, and unfortunately we have seen a spike in suicide.
At the start of the pandemic, I wrote a blog about coping with loneliness as we were faced with our first national lockdown. (If you haven’t already read it, it may still be useful to you and you can find it on my page.)
It’s no secret that our generation suffer from the worst mental health ever recorded, and I too have struggled with mental illnesses my whole life. In my experience, mental illness never truly goes away, it ebbs and flows, like the calmest of waters on a summer’s day to the roughest of seas. Recently, I’ve found myself slowly relapsing into old thought patterns and all-too-familiar feelings of emptiness. During these relapses, it’s easy to forget why you’ve come this far in the first place, and it takes a lot to convince yourself that you deserve to go even further.
Today I had a beautiful interaction with a friend that I haven’t seen in nearly two years. This friend has seen me through some pretty rough patches in my life, and almost as if they could sense that the sea has gotten stormy again, they messaged me out of the blue, and told me how loved, valued, and special I am, and that they’re so proud of me for still being here. That last part really hit me hard, and it sparked some reflection about things that help me that I thought I’d share for anyone else struggling too.
1. Reflect
Oftentimes when we feel emptiness and that numbing ache in our bones that comes with depression, we focus on the awful things that are going on in the world and in our lives. I know that I personally focus on lost connections, past traumas, and wasted potential. It’s easy to forget that there is good in the world, and the little moments that light a fire in your heart and send the butterflies in your belly into a frenzy.
Recently, I’ve gotten really into making Instagram Reels. For those of you who don’t know what they are, they’re short 15 second videos that use music and a compilation of clips. I usually use them to give a glimpse of different places I visit, and they’re a great way to add some creativity to your day. Now, you’re probably thinking, “why on earth are you talking about short Instagram videos in a blog about mental health?” Well, today I was playing around trying to put one together from my trip back to Gran Canaria, and I found myself rewatching a bunch of old videos and ended up making a compilation video of my dogs instead.
By watching old videos, I found myself reflecting on the good times and happy memories I had made and decided to document. Many moments I had forgotten about too, such as funny moments with my sister and random moments of bliss with my animals. I also found myself feeling the same sensations I felt at the time of recording the videos too. They completely transported me back to happier times and reminded me that it really isn’t all doom and gloom, even if it feels like it right now.
This reminded me of something that Gaby Bernstein said in her book Super Attractor, where basically positivity breeds positivity, and if we can just think about one little thing that sparks us joy, it will sort of trick your body into feeling more joy and break the negative cycle that you’ve fallen into. (This was obviously a poor attempt at paraphrasing, but I definitely recommend this book!)
Task: Scroll back to the top of your camera roll or first Instagram post, and reflect on all the amazing memories you’ve made and people you’ve met. Regardless of where life has led you now, your memories remain and you can still draw from the good vibes you felt at the time to spark a little fire in your heart now.
2. It’s the little things.
I’ll never forget the time that I was waiting to board a flight back to Ireland, and an older lady approached me with such loving concern, “I hope you have a coat with you, it’s cold back home!” My coat was tied around my waist, and once I pointed that out to her we descended into a lovely conversation about her holiday. That small, seemingly frivolous moment was actually deeply significant to me. Not only did it make me smile, but it made me realise that I am actually a people person!
When I got to my seat, I opened the notes app on my phone and wrote, “Nice strangers.” This was the start of my little list of things that make my soul sing. More and more sprung to mind, and before I knew it I had spent 20 minutes thinking of things that gave me the same cosy feeling inside as that moment.
Nearly a year on, and I still find myself reaching for this list in tough times to remind myself that it’s the little things that are worth being here for. I used this method on my friend too. She was having a terrible time mentally, her whole life had taken a U-turn, but I never forgot the little moment of bliss on her face when she opened the coffee jar on a facetime call with me. She told me she loves the smell of coffee, and from that day on I made sure to remind her to smell the coffee on the days where she felt low. She laughed at me at first, but then told me it worked.
Task: Open the notes app in your phone, and make a list of things or moments that make you feel a little ping of happiness. These are your reasons to stay alive.
Here are some of mine:
- Nice strangers
- The colour yellow
- The sound of the waves
- The first sip of coffee in the morning
- Driving on country roads
- running downhill
- seeing people dancing in their lit up bedrooms on a late night walk
- feeling the sun on my skin
- The way someone’s face lights up when their favourite song comes on
- That weekend in Clare
3. Read.
All of the advice surrounding improving mental health usually points you to exercise or going outside, and as much as I agree that At my lowest, I found the thought of leaving my bed inconceivable. I may as well have considered trekking the Sahara desert, as they both seemed so unachievable. If you’re the same, but fed up at looking at the same four walls and wishing for some form of escape, I strongly recommend reading.
Reading may feel strenuous at first, but even just a few pages will help you take your mind off of whatever is going on in there, and can help put you in another little fantasy world. It’s a positive way of getting into your own thoughts, and at times can lead to really constructive self-discovery.
Over the first lockdown, I read a mixture between beautifully written fiction which perfectly described feelings I could never articulate, and some more serious historical or self-help books. In every book, I found something about myself that I had never known to exist, even if it was moral standing or an aspiration of mine. Lockdown wasn’t the first time I used reading as a form of escapism either. As a child, it would help me escape the hostile environment of living with my abusive step-dad, and when I returned to the smell of musty pages in my second year of university after a terrible night of mental vulnerability, I found myself discovering a new interest; plants!
The book I ended up reading was about a woman with terrible depression and outlook on the world, and strong sense of hopelessness after losing her job, however she decides to completely transform her garden, and in every hit of the shovel and seed she nurtured, she slowly began to see a shift in her mood. I’ll not spoil any more of the book, if you’d like to read it it’s called “The Year I Met You – Cecelia Ahern”. I remember that by the time I had finished the book myself, my university bedroom was just completely decorated with plants potted in random flower pots I had found in the charity shop.
Task: Challenge yourself to read 5 pages of a book each day for one week, as a small break from scrolling on social media apps.
Okay, I’ve rambled on long enough now. If you’ve made it this far down the post, thank you. I hope this has helped you in some way, even if it was just comforting to know you’re not alone in struggling.
It’s okay not to be okay.
Le grá,
Samantha “remembering to smell the coffee” Nic Dháibhí x
For help and support, you can contact:
Mind – 0300 123 3393 (non urgent mental health support)
Samaritans (Wales/England) – 116 123
Cumha 